Being and remaining a family

In the first months of marriage, happy and very much in love, everything seemed to go smoothly. But soon the tensions between me and my husband became more and more frequent and made me increasingly sad. I certainly made a lot of mistakes, but tried just the same to keep up the relationship, convinced that love would not end. We went on amid ups and downs. After five years we had a baby girl and then a boy. Our daughter was born with a congenital disease, and this meant many hospitalizations, even far from home. Also our son had weak health and was often also hospitalized. A delicate operation, however, resolved my daughter’s condition, but those had been very taxing years.  My husband felt crushed by this situation and said he could no longer cope with all these problems.

When I realised that he had fallen in love with my best friend, it was already too late to make him reverse his decisions. And so, after 13 years of marriage, I was left alone with two children of eight and five. I was so upset I no longer wished to live. I wasn’t afraid of death and with a powerful dose of drugs tried to commit suicide. But my plan failed and after 10 days in the hospital I was discharged.

It was at this point that through the spirituality of the Focolare, I discovered God who is love. The Gospel had started to penetrate into my life, and I began to experience the joy of those who try to live it. The children suffered a lot due to our separation and I had quite a hard time also with them. But God never stopped guiding my life and placed along my way, people who helped me overcome the many problems I encountered, such as the burning desire to have someone by my side and the love of a man, or the desire to enjoy myself or simply just to cater to myself alone.

And always, the light returned to illuminate my life, even when I had to face the most tragic experience for a parent: seeing my beloved daughter die in an accident at the age of 21. In that moment I was desperate with pain, but I asked God for the strength to repeat my “yes” to Him. And He did not leave me in desperation. I immediately felt his presence beside me.

Ever since she had left us, I have received many signs of God’s love, and even if I cannot see her or hug her, I am at peace. Since she had wanted to become a teacher and was about to graduate, thanks to the generosity of many, a literacy project was created in the Ivory Coast, and adopted for some years also by the parish. Now the idea is that of building a school and the commitment is being brought ahead.

God’s love manifests itself also when friends of my daughter share with me their experiences: inviting me to their graduation, coming to visit me, bringing me out to have a pizza together, asking me for advice and calling me “Second mom.” Currently my son still lives with me and I am happy to open my heart to the needs of others. When I find out about people from other cities who are hospitalised in the cancer hospital nearby, I do my best to stay by them, trying to be a small ray of that love God has for me.

One day I found the strength to forgive my husband, and was able not to judge him. Since then I have felt free and liberated from the great weight oppressing me, and though it still has not completely disappeared, not even divorce will make me say that he is no longer my husband. I always remember what my daughter used to say: «Mom, your renunciation of marrying again will be dad’s salvation» and I am sure that these words will come true.