Brené Brown writes: “Rarely can an answer improve things; what changes things is connection.”
Connection makes the difference in conflicts, disagreements, critical moments, and everyday difficulties.
We know that couples often run aground like ships when they hit shallow waters, reefs, or sandbars, often due to human error, bad weather, or technical problems.
To get out of a stranding, it is essential for a ship to first check the condition of the hull and check the waterways, then turn off the engines and, if possible,
use the on-board instruments to lighten the ship or wait for high tide to free it.
What is needed to get a couple out of a rut, on the other hand?
What human errors led to the ship getting stuck, what adverse external circumstances, what went wrong?
Sometimes couples get stuck in communication errors, and then it can certainly be useful to use more effective communication techniques:
learning assertive communication, active listening, and first-person messaging.
But often communication remains ineffective because the problem is not the content of what is communicated but the relationship between the two partners and, as the Palo Alto School already taught, it is always
It is always the relationship that classifies the content, and if the relationship is not good, the content disappears, almost swallowed up in the fog of non-communication.
The quality of the relationship is therefore central.
And, continuing the metaphor with the stranded ship, a couple that is stuck needs to stop and take the time to check where the problem lies and do whatever is necessary to overcome the impasse.
Perhaps the ship-couple needs to be lightened of burdens that prevent it from setting sail again, or sometimes the ship-couple needs a good tide, a wave of new water to regenerate and resume its journey.
In my experience, couples often run aground precisely because the relationship is no longer perceived as alive, warm, and exciting. Instead, partners absolutely need to perceive a relationship full of meaning and connection in order to continue facing the challenges of everyday life, which are often difficult to bear.
Very often, we forget that we don’t need content in communication as much as we need relationship.
This happens frequently, for example when Federica came home and said, “I’m tired,” and Alessandro replied bluntly, “Then go rest.”
In reality, Federica wanted attention and consolation from Alessandro, which she was asking for by talking about her tiredness.
John Gray, in his book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” talks about “Mr. Fix-It” men in this regard.
Gray says that men love to find solutions. They live for it.
And if someone asks them for one, they are always ready to give it.
Yet when the Mr. Fix-It in question gives solutions, they often don’t work.
Why? Because in reality, more than solutions, what his partner is looking for is certainty in the relationship, the feeling that the other person is there, accessible, responsive, emotionally committed.
There is a story that has always struck me and that highlights this certainty: there are intangible assets that are more important than bread and water.
The bond, for example.
“Captain, I must return to the battlefield, my friend has not yet returned.”
“Permission denied, soldier!” replied the captain, “it’s too late now, your friend will already be dead. I can’t risk your life too.”
That same evening, they saw the soldier return from the battlefield carrying his dead friend on his shoulders. He too was mortally wounded.
When the captain found out, he flew into a rage and ran to the infirmary:
“Why did you disobey me?  I told you your friend was already dead. You sacrificed your life for nothing!”
“It wasn’t useless, Captain,” replied the dying soldier, “When I arrived at the camp, my friend was still alive, and when he saw me, he smiled and said, ‘Friend, I knew you would come.’”

Relationships, any kind of relationship, and especially in a couple, are essentially this: emotional connection, attachment, bond.
Autrice: Lucia Coco

All rights reserved ©