Robert Neuburger defines a couple as “the story of an encounter that lasts, that is, of two people who have met and who for various reasons do not separate”. But why do some couples last over time and others don’t? Enrico Cheli, a psychologist and psychotherapist, points out that “in the past, the very motivation of marriage – to start a family – put the partner as an individual in the background, indeed both were called upon to give up their individuality (assuming they had ever been able to develop one) in favour of the family.” Rogers also writes: “I hope it is clear that the dream of a ‘heavenly’ marriage is absolutely unrealistic, that every lasting relationship between a man and a woman requires great application, and that it must be built, rebuilt and revived with the mutual growth of each person”.
Our relationships as a couple are therefore fragile, perhaps more fragile than in the past because they are freer, not conditioned as in the past by duties or impositions. It is a great risk but also a great opportunity. Today, the bond between couples is perpetually in balance between the possibility of being kept or broken. But paradoxically, it is precisely the certainty that separation could be one of the possible scenarios that can help a couple to revive itself as the result of a real choice and therefore to recommit themselves to the construction of their mutual project.
“If I know that, although I suffer from it, I can still live without you, then I will know that if I choose to be with you, it is only because I really want to, even in difficult moments” (Illusions of couple – Roberto Berrini, Gianni Cambiaso).
This is the biggest challenge of couples in difficulty: the relationship goes into crisis, certainties fall, it is certainly not possible to continue the relationship out of habit or convenience any longer. Feelings are also often annihilated and are certainly not pushing to maintain the bond, because perhaps a betrayal has been consummated or a deep emotional distance has been generated.
Thinking of separation in this case as a possible eventuality is frightening, but it could be essential when deciding what to do. Thinking of living one’s life without your partner, requires taking on responsibilities, to oneself, to the bond you made as a couple, to the others involved: i.e. the children, the families of origin, the community in which one lives. At that point you need great honesty with yourself and great courage because it would be even more serious not to solve the crisis for fear of separation but to take unhappiness and resignation as an example of adaptation or fiction and lies as a natural climate within the walls of the house.
Maybe the idea of the “failure” at the end of a love can be frightening, but we must also take into consideration the “failure” of choosing to remain bogged down and unhappy in a dysfunctional situation. Choosing for happiness is instead taking on the rupture and choosing the path of reparation. This is not achieved through chasing the lost relationship, that of the past, but a new, different union, because a crisis always requires a change, the choice to invest in a new shared project and a new emotional intimacy, which allows the partners to reconnect emotionally and communicate their dreams and needs to each other.
It is a long, arduous road but one that could lead to unexpected horizons. “After a relationship has cracked, it is natural for us to hide the damage, to pretend that everything is as normal, perhaps avoid talking about it; but these experiences continue to live within us if we do not take note of them,
if we do not process them…”, writes the psychologist A. Petrarca Paladini. And if it is not possible to repair the couple’s project, it is always possible to repair oneself as a person, to renounce debasing each other with a hostile climate and try to go beyond anger and disappointment and hold on with affection and gratitude to the pathway which they have shared up till now.
Petrarca-Palladini writes: “And if the relationship were to be interrupted anyway, it is up to us to decide whether to throw away the pieces of the relationship (as in a shattered vase that has no longer been repaired) or perhaps, after some time, embrace the experience, recomposing it in our memory, welding the parts with a gold thread”.
This is what the Japanese art of kintsugi teaches us; to fix broken vases with gold dust. So that, just as a broken vase repaired with precious material is worth more, a broken and repaired relationship can also acquire more value than before.

Author: Lucia Coco

Source: Città Nuova