“You’re always so messy! The house is a disaster,” says Roberto.
“And you’re a perfectionist—you can’t stand a speck of dust,” Lucilla replies.

We’ve probably heard this kind of exchange many times within couples.
We know that any couple can fall into a cycle of mutual blame that may spiral into an endless escalation.
But there are dynamics—not only in romantic relationships, but also with children, colleagues, or community members—where communication risks becoming dominated by pointing fingers, accusations, and reproaches.
When this happens, it may be necessary to look into each person’s personal history for the root cause. Why this compulsion to criticize, to highlight what’s missing or what went wrong?
In one couple, this dynamic was particularly present.
Each partner had grown up with a very strict and rigid parent who often scolded and judged them during childhood. That parent had been internalized, and in adulthood, was no longer outside of them but continued to criticize with the same intensity and harshness.
In transactional analysis, this experience is referred to as the “critical parent.” And what is the “critical parent”? It’s that part of us that always seems to know what’s right and what’s not, waiting to catch us in a mistake and point it out with a scolding finger.
In this couple, each partner approached the other from a stance of judgment and sanction, assuming a position of superiority and infallibility.
Of course, neither of them realized that, when they acted out this critical side, they were actually activating the internalized voice of their real parent: the feelings, thoughts, and behaviors learned from that parent during childhood. For this couple, it was truly helpful to become aware that this critical voice in their interactions had deep roots.
Paradoxically, the same criticism they had suffered as children from their parents, they were now repeating in their relationship with one another. Reflecting on how that critical voice was formed is the first step to disempowering the inner critical parent.
Literature also suggests strategies to manage the critical voice, such as distancing from it and replacing its attacks with compassionate thoughts toward the other. Another important aid in lightening the burden of the critical parent is experiencing that the other’s imperfection is not the end of the world.
Perhaps, as children, they never had the chance to experience this, and every mistake was seen as a total failure rather than, as it should be in a healthy way, a bump in the road—an opportunity to learn.
Therefore, allowing the other person the right to make mistakes is a key path toward reconciliation with the rigid inner critical parent. Naturally, this isn’t magic—it’s a gradual process that requires time and commitment.
Roberto and Lucilla continue to confront this part of themselves every day. They don’t always succeed, but when they do, their communication flows freely, calmly, and without friction.
They no longer need to scold one another. They’ve found other ways to express when something the other does is problematic, without feeling like they’re on trial with no way out.

Lucia Coco

25 July 2025 . www.cittanuova.it