It is essential to know and understand the sometimes-unconscious mechanisms that often cause strain to an emotional bond and then do repair work.
Paolo and Patrizia came to ask for help following a betrayal by her; a betrayal that Paolo had not been aware of and that she had confessed to him. Now, however, she seems desperate and wants to recover the relationship at all costs. Paolo, on the other hand, is very angry and hurt and can’t even look her in the eyes. He began by saying: “I am here not for you, not for us, but to protect our son who should not suffer from this situation “. Some interesting topics emerge from the first meetings.
Patrizia said that for many years she has been good, adapting to their life as a couple, perceiving herself as she defines it – as the well-known “Furio’s wife”, (from an Italian film), completely squashed by her husband`s rigid and absurd need for order but carrying on in silence and resignation. Then, after many years in which she felt in the wrong and completely inadequate to her husband’s perfectionism, she had a crush on a man, very different from her husband, completely unreliable but with whom her “being wrong” was almost normalized next to another man “imperfect like her”. In the session, Patrizia realized that confessing her betrayal to Paolo was a way to shout in his face her right to “make mistakes and be wrong” Paradoxically, a cry to tell him: “Look at me and accept me as I am, messy, confused, different from you”.
The question is why did Patrizia have to raise the bar so much to the point of cheating on him to say this to her husband? How come until that moment she has suffocated all this in herself, adapting to her husband and pleasing him in everything and almost never communicating her fears and needs? Why did she keep all this inside herself for years, accumulating anger until it imploded? Perhaps for the first time in her life Patrizia realised this and said: “I feel liberated”, “Finally I have got this weight off my shoulders!
Unfortunately, the story of Patrizia and Paolo tells us that expressing emotional experiences can be difficult due to childhood conditioning because perhaps as a child you did not experience being validated in your feelings or because you are afraid of showing yourself as being vulnerable. In some cases, we are faced with a real problem of alexithymia, i.e. an inability to identify and describe one’s feelings, often linked to a lack of connection between somatic sensations and mental representation.
Paolo is also amazed by Patrizia’s openness when she explicitly tells him about her feelings for the first time. They both understand that they have lived for years in a symbiotic relationship and that Patrizia’s betrayal stemmed from her anger about this. However, this anger which drove her to betrayal, in reality, has strengthened the symbiosis, it has not interrupted it. In fact, by cheating on her husband, Patrizia expressed her anger towards him, but without acting in an adult way by expressing her feelings, but rather by remaining stuck in a mechanism of dependence on him that became counter dependence in betrayal, but certainly not autonomy.
Getting out of the symbiosis instead means that Patrizia should face up to her anger with respect to her husband’s rigidity and express it by openly manifesting her discomfort. It is precisely for this reason that, when she does it for the first time in session, she feels a sense of liberation: it is the first step towards getting out of symbiosis. Patrizia is convinced this pathway is very important, however, the problem is how to repair what happened. At first Paolo seems absolutely refractory to a process of rebuilding the relationship with his wife. In his value system, what happened is simply unacceptable.
Then, session after session, the possibility of repairing the wound inflicted on their emotional bond began to show itself. At this point, following the model of couple therapy focused on emotions, another project began. Specifically, as Sue Johnson says in her “Hold me tight” approach, the following steps are initiated. The first step is to openly acknowledge the wound, the pain caused. The injured person in this case can express his anguish and vulnerability, while the partner who has hurt remains present and listens without defending himself. The second step is to see the resonance in the other: the partner who has hurt shows that he or she “feels” the other’s pain. In fact, only by seeing one’s own pain reflected in the eyes of the other, connection, resonance and empathy are reactivated. The third step, Johnson continues, concerns the assumption of responsibility, that is, the partner who made the mistake takes responsibility for his actions and recognizes the impact that these have had on the couple’s bond.
Next, there is the reworking of the narrative: the couple work to build a new story around the wound, transforming it from a moment of rupture to an opportunity to strengthen their emotional bond. Then we come to the last step: re-establishing a secure connection. In fact, the process of forgiveness is complete when the injured person manages to trust again and feel emotionally safe and the partner who has hurt responds with affection and willingness, thus repairing the wound caused. Patrizia and Paolo have just begun this journey, the road ahead seems long and tiring, but both think it is possible.
(Source: www.cttanuova.it – Author: Lucia Coco-De Angelis)
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