We are increasingly immersed in a culture where we are invited to go it alone and “make it without help”. It has therefore become imperative, in times of difficulty, to work on one’s emotional self-regulation, that is, on the ability to manage one’s reactions in the face of emotionally significant external stimuli without exploding or imploding due to the difficulties one is going through. Emotional self-regulation is therefore undoubtedly a fundamental aspect of our well-being, to stay within what Daniel Siegel called the “emotional tolerance window”, i.e. the range in which one can manage one’s emotions in a balanced and harmonious way.
Ability therefore to regulate one’s emotions, one’s crises by oneself. But is this really the only way? As individuals and as couples do we have to manage our crises alone? Why has sharing one’s difficulties become so difficult?
We know that many couples have seen their crises amplified over the years due to this implicit or misunderstood imperative not to communicate the difficulties they were going through to others, especially if they are prominent couples or on the front line of social or ecclesial commitments. We also know that weakness and vulnerability are often perceived as a sign of inadequacy and disvalue and not what they really are: identity conditions of the human being.
Could it be useful, instead, to share one’s emotions and crises with other individuals, with other couples, daring to show oneself vulnerable? Vulnerability is anything but weakness, in fact, it takes strength and courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. But not only that, to give yourself permission to be vulnerable you need an act of trust, the ability to believe that you deserve the love of a brother, a friend, an acquaintance, a relative, another couple despite not being perfect.
Lately, many models that approach a vision in which taking care of each other becomes fundamental and in which the concept of emotional coregulation becomes more central than the concept of self-regulation have also emerged in the field of psychotherapeutic treatment This construct can be controversial as it means that you have much less control over your happiness and more need to build a safe social environment and take care of your social needs: in short, it doesn’t all depend on us. For example, in his Polyvagal Theory, Porges states that connection is a biological imperative.
In fact, one of the three principles of this model states that “Through co-regulation we connect with others and create a shared sense of security”. Porges explains that, like many mammals, humans are social animals and our survival depends on the co-regulation of our neurophysiological state through social interaction: it is not only about surviving but also about feeling safe in relation to others.
On the other hand, Paul Gilbert with his Compassion-Focused Therapy also emphasizes how “Creating compassionate caring connections with oneself and with other caregivers promotes the development of a healthy and functional mind.” Being empathetic and compassionate with ourselves is not enough for our well-being: we must learn to open up to the outside world and have a balance between the possibility of understanding and helping others and the willingness to trust and rely on the care of others.
Coregulation is therefore a virtuous process of repair and care that we can generate with others: with our partner, with other couples, in a group where there is a high level of deep emotional connection. Lately, in a group of couples who have shared in depth painful aspects of their former and recent personal experiences, this coregulation has occurred from which all couples have been able to benefit. Someone said at the end of the experience: “Maybe you don’t realize what is happening here… it is a great gift for all of us”, “It is like a fountain that gushes abundantly”, “I thought I was no longer able to feel emotions and here with you I felt them”, “I feel a deep peace even if not everything is resolved”, “We have never stopped growing in the last few days”.
Therefore, emotional coregulation is this: it does not provide immediate answers regarding one’s individual or couple relational criticalities; but it generates fruits of deep connection, authenticity and serenity, moreover it perfectly realizes what B. Brown says about the concept of empathy: “ Rarely does an answer make things better, what makes things better is the connection”
Author: Lucia Coco
Source: Città Nuova
Photo: (Foto Pexels, Kampus)
