Raffaele Mastromarino, a transactional analyst, has produced a very interesting report that starts from a fundamental premise: you can be good parents, you can take care of your children effectively provided you are able to take care of yourself. This then leads a couple to ask themselves: how are we taking care of ourselves as individuals and as a couple?

Often childcare overwhelms parents who are so projected towards their children that they forget themselves and their relationship. A reversal of this trend is therefore necessary and Mastromarino suggests that parents should work on themselves for each phase of their children’s development starting from the stage of exploration, then of the first separation, that of socialization, schooling and the construction of skills, up to that of adolescence to finally arrive at that of a young adult.

Mastromarino had the brilliant intuition to examine the needs of a child for each developmental stage, his tasks, what a child must learn at that stage, but also the task of a parent with respect to that stage (i.e. what a parent must transmit to their child according to his age) and finally what a parent themselves needs to fulfil the task of taking care of their child.

The first stage goes from 0 to 6 months and is the stage of existence. Therefore, the parent’s task is to give the child permission to exist. In this case when we talk about permission, we are talking about verbal and non-verbal behaviour that a parent should have towards their child to allow him to express his needs.

Specifically, in this phase, having permission to exist means that a young child feels welcomed as he is, in his needs to be fed, cared for, touched, seen. Conversely, the parent of a child who goes from 0 to 6 months old needs to give themselves the same permissions to exist and therefore take care of themselves as they do with their child in various ways, for example, by having a healthy diet, by restructuring the times and ways of resting.

The phase that goes from 6 to 18 months is called the exploration stage, a child needs to learn to do things by himself, the task of the parent is to give the child permission to do so, to let him know it’s okay for you to want to explore by yourself, knowing that at the same time someone, is always ready to take care of you.

Consequently, at this stage a parent should give themselves the same “permission to do” that has been given to the child. Caring for an exploring child can be really tiring; this is why it is important to have some support: some time for resting, eating and maybe periodically have some free time.

This is followed by a stage ranging from 18 months to 3 years or the stage of the first separation. It is the phase in which a child needs to know that it is okay to venture, to take risks, to try, have limits, to say “no”, to become separate. Consequently, the parents’ task is to give their child permission to experiment and examine, to discover their own limits, to disagree and become a separate person. The parents should also give themselves the same “permission to think”.

Next stage is from 3 to 6 years old or the stage of socialization, identity and imagination. During this stage of development, a child has a particular interest in the opposite sex, potency, and helplessness, fantasy and reality, creation and destruction, disease and health.

The task of parents is to now give permission to their child to assert their opinion and their identity, to say that it is okay to have your own vision of the world, it is okay to explore who you are and find out what you are like, it is okay to express directly what you feel. At this stage the parents must give themselves the same permission to assert their opinion and identity.

From 6 to 12 years of age there is the stage of pre-adolescence, creativity, construction and being competent. In this phase, a child’s needs are related to the structuring of time, contacts and peer group pressure, the definition of reality, their relationship with authority, the elaboration of judgments and the dealing with appropriate behaviour.

At this stage, the parents’ task regarding their child is to give the so-called permission for the structure, that is, it is okay to do things your way, it is okay to think before making a rule yours, it is okay for you to disagree with me (to express contrary opinions), it is okay for you to have your moral principles. However, the parents’ needs and “tasks” towards themselves at this stage are to have just the same “permission to affirm their own structure”, to solve problems by doing things in their own way according to their own principles and morals.

Finally, we arrive at the last stages: that of adolescence and separation (12-19 years). In this phase the previous stages are repeated on a more sophisticated level, and there is a need to decide that it is okay to grow, be sexual and be successful.

A parents’ duties regarding their children involve giving permission to be sexual and to be separate.

In other words: It’s okay for you to have your own sexual identity, to have a place among adults, and to be successful. It’s okay for you to experiment and know your identity. It’s okay that you are the way you want to be. When you leave home you will always be welcome when you return. I love you and my love will follow you wherever you go.

It is also necessary to give oneself the same “permission to be a sexual person and a separate person”, thus solving the sexual and separation problems that are stimulated by an adolescent child.

Finally, the last stage from 19 years of age and up, the young adult and emancipation stage. A phase which allows you to mature sexually and develop all physical and intellectual skills and experiment with the various roles as an adult. Here the parents must give permission for the recycling of the different stages and permission for interdependence thus solving the problems that arise from being in contact with a young adult.

There is an important experience for parents at this stage: adolescence for their children ends with the parents renouncing control over their offspring by communicating to them: “We will no longer control your behaviour, now you are masters of yourselves. We know that you are independent and that we are separate from you, and we know how to take care of ourselves. You are free to come and go whenever you want.”

Source: www.cittanuova.it – Author: Lucia Coco